I truly believe that authenticity is one of the biggest keys to living a happy and healthy life.
Authenticity means that you’re able to be your true self. You don’t have to hide anything, or try to be someone that you’re not, in order to be accepted. If you have a chronic skin condition, authenticity can feel very challenging at first – it certainly did for me. In fact, I spent many years living an inauthentic life, hiding my true self out of fear of being rejected.
But if you don’t work towards cultivating authenticity in your relationships, then you’ll never know what it’s like to be truly appreciated and supported. Having relationships where you feel accepted and loved is very important for all aspects of your health, and learning to show up authentically is a huge part of that.
So how can you go about cultivating more authenticity in your relationships? Here are a few tips.
Work on transparency
In a truly authentic relationship, you don’t hide anything. You share what you’re really thinking and feeling, even if you think it will make the other person feel uncomfortable.
Many of us have been socialized to put the comfort of others above our own. We keep our feelings to ourselves if we think they’re not the feelings that we “should” have. When someone hurts us, we may not tell them, simply because we don’t want to create friction.
Although this might at first seem like a loving thing to do, it’s really not. When we hide parts of ourselves, we’re depriving the other person of a true relationship with us. Over time, you’ll also tend to build up resentment towards the other person for the ways that they’ve hurt you – but you’re not giving them a chance to change how they’re treating you, because you’ve never told them how it’s affecting you.
Expressing how you truly feel is a gift to the other person. It takes courage to do this, but it’s worth it. Make sure that you express your feelings in as calm a way as you can, without attacking them. When a very challenging situation arises, it may be better to wait and have the conversation later, after you’ve had some time to cool off.
Practice active listening
Having authentic relationships is a two-way street. It’s not just about sharing your true self with the other person – you also need to help the other person feel safe sharing their true self with you. One way to do this is through active listening.
When you’re actively listening, you’re truly trying to understand what the other person is telling you – rather than trying to defend your own point of view. Try to approach each conversation with the goal of learning more about what the other person feels and thinks. Although this can be difficult to do when you’re feeling hurt or angry, it’s important to do your best to remain open and to truly listen. This will help the other person feel safe to share their true feelings with you, because they’re not scared of how you’ll react.
Clarify your triggers
At times, in any relationship, you’re going to feel triggered by something the other person says to you. It will make you feel hurt, anxious, angry, or defensive. Although this might be a true reaction to whatever has just happened, it’s very often about something that happened in your past.
We can’t control what other people do or say – but we can control how we react. The first step towards reacting in a healthier way is to understand what it is that triggers difficult feelings in you. Then you can work towards being truly present to what’s happening right now.
Some people are able to uncover their triggers alone, through intense introspection – for example, journaling. However, many people benefit from going to therapy. A therapist can help guide you through the process of discovering your triggers, and can help you learn to react in healthier ways when you feel challenging emotions arise. Therapy isn’t required in order to have authentic relationships, but it can definitely be very helpful. I know that therapy has made a massive difference in my own ability to show up authentically.
Looking for more support in developing authentic relationships?
All of this may sound relatively simple, but actually implementing it in your life can be challenging for many people. It can be very helpful to have support in this process. I’m available for one-on-one coaching, to help you work through any challenges and develop strategies that will work in your life. Our MGS Academy community is also a very helpful resource – women in the group support each other and offer each other advice.
Journal Prompts
As you may know, I find journaling to be an extremely effective tool for growth and transformation. Here are a few journal prompts that you can try. For each of these questions, simply write whatever comes to mind until you feel that you’ve thoroughly explored the topic. Keep in mind that this is for your eyes only. Try to be as honest with yourself as you can, even if it’s challenging – we can only transform once we deeply understand where we’re currently at.
Do you have any relationships in which you feel completely free to be your true self?
What are you scared to reveal? Is there anyone you might feel safe sharing this with?
In any of your relationships, are there challenges that you’d like to discuss? How might you begin the conversation?
Are you able to listen openly when talking to those you’re close to? Are there any ways that you tend to get defensive or shut down when challenging topics come up?
Which relationship would you like to focus on deepening first? What is one step that you’ll take towards having more authenticity in this relationship this week?